I don’t know if you have ever met such a dialogue scene:
"When you go home, you will know how to play with your mobile phone. I am taking care of my baby at home alone, and I have to wait on your family."
"I’m not tired? I work hard to make money outside every day, and I have to accept it when I come back. "
From being single to starting a family and then having children, this is the state that most people will eventually enter.
The breakdown of many couples’ feelings often occurs during the period after the two sides form a family and have children.
01
Why do feelings fade after giving birth to a child?
1) the transition period of the relationship.
There is one of the most common challenges in the relationship, which we call the relationship transition period.
If we regard a family as a person, it has a life cycle, and in each different life cycle, we have to adapt to the transformation of the family itself.
The challenge of this transformation is the biggest test of the relationship.
Many people may have experienced the challenge from students to the workplace, from love to marriage, but they may not be able to withstand the challenge of having children.
Because the challenges of having children are different from those from students to the workplace and from love to marriage, students can control the challenges they face in the workplace and love to marriage, but the birth of children brings third-party variables.
For example, after giving birth to a child, some people will say that "in-laws only care about the baby" and "when the husband comes over, it seems that there is no extra communication except eating and taking care of the baby", all of which are the results of the third-party variables of the child.
What you can decide by yourself has turned into having to make a decision with others, which is the biggest challenge after giving birth.
2) Increased responsibility and anxiety.
Many women will feel heavier responsibilities after giving birth, and with the biochemical changes in the body, they will gradually enter a state of anxiety.
For example, a reader once told me that after giving birth to a child, she would feel anxious when she saw the deposit in her account, and she would feel a sense of shame inside:
As a mother, if she goes out to work, she can’t stay with her children; As a lover, if you don’t go out to work, you won’t share the economic pressure for your husband.
She is in a hurry, but the more she wants to make money, the more busy she is, the more tired she is, and the more she is in a bad mood.
Fortunately, she didn’t meet an inactive husband, and her husband would patiently tell her, "You can’t sit for a long time now, you can’t be too tired, and you don’t have to rush to work."
But her anxiety made her lose sight of her own value and her husband’s thoughtfulness.
3) Lack of emotional communication.
There is no denying that in the matter of parenting, most women will always enter the role faster than men.
Most women will focus on their children after giving birth, and their bodies need to recover, so they will choose to sleep in separate beds, which also makes some boys feel left out.
A male reader once said that since his wife was pregnant and the child is two years old now, they have never had a one-time life.
He understands that sex is not all, but it is also a spice in emotional life.
He is the kind with strong sexual desire, but his wife never takes the initiative, and sometimes she is rejected when she wants it.
So he was hit hard, but he was sulking for his family and children, but he just felt that the relationship between husband and wife was getting worse and worse.
Although it is men’s ignorance of the father’s role that leads women to pay more attention to their children, one-way giving can never make a family enter a positive cycle.
02
How to keep the relationship between husband and wife from hibernating?
A reader once told me that since the birth of her child, no matter whether she is together or in a different place, there is nothing about both sides except talking about the child.
At first, she would take the initiative to talk about the daily life of some children. Later, her husband didn’t even talk to her about his work industry, content and treatment, and asked her not to tell him about the troubles of taking care of children.
Slowly, she didn’t say anything according to the meaning of the other party, but she found that there was something wrong with this life.
She put forward her own ideas carefully and actively, and finally found that communication was "bull’s head is not right for horse’s mouth", and what she expressed was completely different from what her husband understood.
Before marriage, they talked about everything, but now there is a backlog of things that have not been solved. Her husband is an avoidant personality, and she is a radical personality, so she really wants to know, "Can such a relationship between husband and wife return to pre-marriage?" .
1) mentality construction.
When most people encounter an emotional problem, there will be a common state: "How can I go back to the past?"
There are three states in life: past, present and future.
But the past can never go back, the future can never go, and people can only grasp the present.
Moreover, we need to deeply realize that we can never step into the same river twice.
As far as the child is born, we can’t go back to the past. The best solution to the problem is only to find a new way for husband and wife to get along and a new balance on the existing basis.
With the expectation that "the relationship between husband and wife can return to pre-marriage", the mentality is easy to collapse.
Only by grasping the present opportunity and rebuilding a new balance can we have a healthy and comfortable mentality.
2) The framework of emotional repair.
Emotional repair is a process, not a result.
When many people encounter problems, they directly think "I wish I could do something", for example, "I wish both husband and wife could bear with me, understand each other, care about each other and tolerate each other".
The problem is that it is absolutely impossible to do this without the process of intermediate change and learning.
For example, just like a boy chasing a girl, it is impossible to say to the other party just after meeting, "Shall we have a wedding tomorrow?"
Holding a wedding is a result, and it is a necessary process for two people to know, communicate and get married. It is impossible to omit all the processes and get the results directly.
Therefore, we can’t skip the repair process and directly get the result of two people’s emotional repair.
And all emotional repair frameworks are the relationship between "chasing" and "fleeing".
What is the relationship between "chasing" and "fleeing"?
If the other party has completely escaped, broken up or divorced, this time is not called "repair", but called "redemption."
Then what is repair?
Repair is that the two people have not divorced or separated, but the two sides have a relationship of escape and pursuit in terms of motivation.
It’s like the heroine of the story said that her husband is an avoidant personality and she is a radical personality. But in the restoration framework, we can put these things down first and simply regard the whole restoration framework as the relationship between "chasing" and "fleeing".
A successful restoration framework, first of all, the person who is chasing must stop first.
For example, if it is a state of accusation, it is necessary to stop first. Because only the person who stops blaming, chasing and running away will stop.
Maybe at the beginning, the other party won’t stop immediately, but will look back a little suspiciously until it is determined whether the other party will stop chasing and attacking, and then stop slowly.
This is an overall framework, and it is absolutely impossible to repair it successfully without grasping this point.
In order to repair successfully, the pursuers must stop first, and the fugitives will stop. Otherwise, one person chasing and one person fleeing will only make the relationship between the two people farther and farther.
3) See the change of the whole relationship at the macro level.
From a macro perspective, husband and wife used to be a small system in the world of men and women, but after giving birth, they will become a big system of ternary relationship between a man, a woman and a child.
In this process, we should understand a truth: all the methods used to deal with the binary system have failed in the new ternary system.
In other words, it is necessary to upgrade the whole system, instead of trying to face new problems with some tools and methods in the past.
Just as it is impossible to repair a car with the tools of repairing a carriage, because a carriage and a car are two different things, and the whole parts and systems of a car are different from them.
So you have to understand that in the face of new problems, you have to use new methods:
A, the way of expression.
Everyone has negative energy, which can be expressed and should be expressed.
Children are originally an emotional connection. Why do some boys ask not to tell him about the troubles of taking care of children?
Because many people will inadvertently complain when sharing their children’s daily lives.
I don’t know how you talk about children and the details, but I guess these "troubles" may be:
The child is crying again;
The child didn’t sleep well again;
The child soiled this sheet again;
……
If only these complaints and accusations can’t form an emotional connection, what could have been shared should be:
Wow, he is great today, he can turn over;
Yo, you can walk;
Can talk now;
……
These have a lot of happy growth parts, and I believe that as a father, I am willing to listen to them.
Don’t just turn a child into an annoyance. He should have become a common source of joy. This is the concrete operation of emotional connection.
B. Effective communication: step by step.
The management of marriage should be two-way. But don’t give each other a big indicator and a big problem at the beginning, but communicate with him clearly first: what is the division of labor between each other in this family?
We should learn to advance step by step, such as what is the economy, what is the housework, and what is the education of children?
List all the common things and housework that make you collapse, so that two people can get the task according to their contribution to the family. When they get the task, everyone will do it, and no one will say who.
Only by establishing rules can we measure the relationship between two people and let both sides know clearly what responsibilities they should bear.
In addition, when chatting, we should also pay attention to emotional lines and logical lines.
Because chatting is not looking for right or wrong, communication is connecting the subjective world of two people and the distance between hearts.
In a word, we humans live in two worlds:
One is the "objective fact", that is, what happened;
The other is "subjective view", that is, "what do I think of this matter? How do I feel? What are my joys and sorrows? "
Always remember that the connection between two people together is first of all the connection between heart and heart, and it is the connection of emotions.
If emotional joys and sorrows are not connected, and they don’t really see each other, there will be no each other in their eyes, and this feeling without spiritual connection will eventually dry up.
The above articles are sent to all couples who encounter emotional setbacks and difficulties. I sincerely hope that you can reactivate a relationship through heart-to-heart connection.
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